our hearts

Our Hearts should be Understood and Loved


Our hearts was made to be known, loved and reflected upon by another. The word “attunement” simply means the desire for someone to study your inner world in order to understand everything about you. In an emotionally connected relationship, this attunement creates trust.

Loving someone is more than mere words; it entails studying your partner properly and knowing everything about them. When we say study, we don’t mean skimming through a book, but a study which absorbs you totally with the whole story captivating you.

You need attentiveness to study. Your curiosity about the person you are in love with, wants you to know more and anticipate much more about that person. Have you ever asked yourself, “How curious your mother was about you”?

Well, most people feel their parents are not too curious about them, but this isn’t the case. Our parents seem to know us well; they birthed us, watched us and guided us, made us who we are today. Therefore we assume that our parents know us well so they aren’t curious about us. How curious we are about our partner shows how much we want to know about them.  

When Partners Don’t Know Each Other

Attentiveness is the key to knowing your partner. Partners who do not know each other have failed to: attend to their partner’s needs, communicate frequently, and ask questions.  Many intimate partners are not attentive to their partner’s needs as well as some significant details about them. Most partners fail to know each other’s likes, dislikes, joys, desires, fears and passions.

According to the law of diminishing returns, increased frequency results to decreased satisfaction. The more you get to know your partner, the less satisfaction you get from each successive interaction. Fortunately, this law of diminishing returns is not applicable when we talk of love, because it has to do with the belief that we experience our lover just the same way we experience a new dress.

Assumptions Destroys Love

When we know our partners, we tend to read a particular meaning to what they do or say. When we feel we know our partners properly, we don’t think of getting to know them more.  For instance, if you know your partner is “selfish,” then you might not be willing to find facts that say otherwise. The moment you see no need in getting to know more about your partner, then you are no longer open to love.

The assumption of an intimate relationship is that we feel we have completely known our partners. Truth be told, this isn’t possible because their uniqueness is certain and their mystery keep unfolding. The earlier we can acknowledge the fact that there is more to learn about your partner, the more we can be curious about them.

Studying the Inner World of your Partner

Couples who are emotionally intelligent know and understand each other’s inner world. Once we understand that our hearts should be known, then we create more bond with our partner. There is a part of your brain that stores relevant details about your partner’s life. In relationships where love exists, partners continue to know each other’s fears, life goals, desires and dreams. They know that there is much more to be known.

Without being attentive to your partner, you can’t know them enough and if you don’t know them, how can you express love to them? Love goes beyond just experiencing the good sides of life together, it entails the desire to go through stressors, fears and disappointments with your partner. It requires both partners knowing each other’s doubts, failures and fears.

In relationships where partners are emotionally connected with detailed information about each other, such partners are more prepared to survive difficulties, conflicts and daily stressors. Couples who fail to dive into each other’s inner world are more likely to lose each other when life issues arise. The more you know your partner’s inner world, the more both of you stay emotionally connected even in the storms of life.

True Understanding Requires Sharing Yourself

Sometimes, we conceal our pains, fears, doubts and failures from each other. You hide the intimacy of your relationship when you decide to conceal your imperfections and vulnerabilities. Partners should be able to open up and share both the good and bad experiences they’ve had.

You endanger the emotional connection you have with your partner when you pretend about your failures, and in the long run deprive them the joy of celebrating your wins and supporting you throughout your struggles. In our hearts lies our emotions, and as such we need to understand our partner intimate.

It is very courageous when we reveal our vulnerabilities and let our real selves be seen and accepted. The degree of our connection depends on our desire to talk about our vulnerabilities. When we protect our vulnerability from being seen, we emotionally disconnect from our partners. Emotional connection makes us rest assured in our relationships.

The Joy of Understanding Our Hearts

There’s great joy and assurance in a relationship, when you are known and understood by the person you are securely attached to. Knowing and understanding your partner and as well diving into each other’s inner world is a lifelong process. It is like learning the principles of life, as long as you live, you continue to learn.

Final Thoughts

Every intimate relationship requires attunement; the only person you should know so much about is your partner. Our hearts should be known, understood and loved, and this can only be possible when we are open to our partners.  

You desire to know more about your partner when you are curious about him/her. The most assuring thing ever is when you realize your partner understands you and desires to know more about you. When our hearts is known and understood, emotional intimacy is created.

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